Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes

 

Let’s catch some fun with these best collections of Funniest memes of all time/Famous funny quotes and funny quotes about life in general.

 

 Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes

 

“Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” Unknown

 

My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

 

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. – Unknown

 

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. Reba McEntire

 

In the morning I can’t eat, I’m thinking of you. In the evening I can’t eat, I’m thinking of you. In the night I can’t sleep… I’m so hungry! Unknown
 

 

I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left. Unknown

 

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill

 

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared! – Unknown

 

I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are. Unknown
 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

 

I’d Luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis
 

 

Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes
funny memes

 

 

 

 

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

 

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown

 

If at first, you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. William Lyon Phelps
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield
 

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. – Unknown

 

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln

 

Funniest Memes of All Time
Funniest Memes

 

 

At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up. Unknown

 

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, it won’t feel like you are alone anymore. Unknown

 

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield

 

Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
 

 

Funniest Memes of All Time
Funniest Memes of All Time

 

Famous Funny Quotes
Funny memes

 

Funny memes
Funny memes

 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

 

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

 

I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run. Unknown

 

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr

 

I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect. Unknown
 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

 

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

 

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford

 

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

 

I like Kit-Kat unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg

 

 

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. Sicilian Proverb

 

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day. Unknown

 

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. Unknown

 

Laugh and the world laugh with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess
 

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett
 

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

 

They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it. Unknown

 

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn

 

 

 

 

 

 

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Unknown

 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln
 

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Unknown

 

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

 

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

 

Silence is golden unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. Unknown

 

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
 

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray

 

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. Unknown

 

As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. Tom Goins

 

 

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

 

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. Christopher Morley

 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright

 

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

 

Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’ Robin Williams

 

The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

 

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. Steve Martin

 

Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing. Elle King

 

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Unknown

 

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

 

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. Robert Breault

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield

 

When life closes a door, just open it again. It’s a door, that’s how they work. Unknown

 

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it. Sam Levenson

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

 

As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing. Unknown

 

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything. Solomon Schechter

 

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. Ozzy Osbourne

 

 

Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes
Funny memes

Famous Funny Quotes

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no. Unknown

 

By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. Richard Dawkins

 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

 

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain

 

Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! Unknown

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

 

Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. Salvador Dali

 

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russellashed

 

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. Wilson Mizner
 

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy

 

Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears. Unknown

 

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner

 

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong. Bill Vaughan

 

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow. Unknown

 

Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes
Funny memes

 

Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions. Unknown

 

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. Joey Adams

 

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you. Unknown

 

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

 

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper
 

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright

 

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Unknown
 

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. Josh Billings

 

                               Funny quotes with pictures

 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip

 

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. G. Wodehouse
 

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight. Milton Berle

 

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

 

Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. G. Wodehouse
 

All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

 

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips

 

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss

 

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. George Jean Nathan
 

 

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them. Unknown

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde

 

On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. L. Mencken

 

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? George Carlin

 

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Stanley Randall

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. Unknown
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

 

 

 

Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes
funny memes
Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes
Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes

Funniest Memes of All Time/Famous Funny Quotes

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. Abe Lemons

 

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space. Gene Perret

 

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble. Mark Twain

 

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

 

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. Scott Adams

 

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. Henry Ford

 

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw

 

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. Lane Olinghouse

 

It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish. Carrie Underwood

 

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Nora Ephron

 

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

 

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get some apples and clean clothes every morning. Ray Romano

 

Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

 

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. Woodrow Wyatt

 

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg

 

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle

 

When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. Mike Vanatta

 

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. Molly McGee

 

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Brendan Francis

 

I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. Unknown

 

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray

 

It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy. Unknown

 

I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor. Unknown

 

I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Unknown

 

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you. Unknown
 

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. Unknown

 

When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you. Unknown

 

Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. Unknown

 

If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. Unknown

 

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Unknown

 

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

 

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

 

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Unknown

 

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. Unknown
 

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep! Unknown

 

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

 

When nothing is going right, go left. Unknown

 

Reality continues to ruin my life. Bill Watterson

 

I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right. Unknown

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

 

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso

 

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect. Unknown

 

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. Otto von Bismarck

 

Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues. Unknown

 

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

 

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. Bill Watterson
 

Work hard, nap hard. Demi Lovato

 

There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So, what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is. Bill Murray

 

I don’t believe that you can give the same performance every take. It’s physically impossible, so why bother? If you don’t do what is happening at that moment, then it’s not real. Then you’re holding something back. Bill Murray

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